lol
… I have to admit, thinking about it is eating away at the back of my mind… do you not want to see me while you’re here? Maybe the opposite? I don’t know how you think about me anymore, if you do… I would like to see you if you are okay with it, but I understand if you don’t want to. Past experience tells me I shouldn’t expect to see you, but I still remain hopeful despite that. I know it must not make sense with my last post, but I’m hoping something inside me will change if I just get that chance to see you. I was thinking about it today and I feel like I’m not the same person I was when I met you, though with how much time has passed by I figure that’s how it should be. Mostly, it seems like a positive change. I mean, all the negative things that happened to me just served as a learning experience. One thing that I was hoping was going to go away after I had been through a relationship was my strong desire to be in one. I have felt this way since high school, and it’s something that eats away at me on the inside. I thought it was just because I had never been in one before, but here I am and the feeling is still there. I didn’t say it specifically in a past post, but the thing that broke my resolve to avoid talking to you that one night was that picture you put on facebook that day. It’s kinda funny how it really felt like my resolve just snapped in half when I saw how pretty you looked in that picture. I noticed I still don’t go a night without thinking of how it was when we slept together. It’s usually when I lay on my side and grab the blanket, and I remember what it was like to wrap myself around you instead. So many evenings spent wishing I had someone to go home to, instead of an empty apartment room…
Another weekend feeling depressed… I’ve made a friend and hang out with him kinda regularly, but it it still doesn’t make that feeling go away. Also, he said he’s moving sometime during the summer, so next semester is gonna be pretty lonely at first again. It seems like every girl I’ve met is already taken, though I really haven’t met that many. I mean, my group in psychology was me and four girls and they all had boyfriends. I’ve only met two other girls and they both have boyfriends too. Sometimes it feels like fate is mocking me. It seems like it keeps presenting me with opportunities and then it says “no, not really.” At times like this it really feels like it’s saying “I gave you what you wanted but you messed up bad. That’s the only chance you were gonna get.” I can think of every reason not to be with you, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about you. I know these thoughts have gotten stronger lately because summer is coming up, and it’s been a long time since I’ve spent a summer without you. I feel like I’ve been trying to meet people. I mean, I got a friend because of it, but I still don’t have what my heart wants. I guess you know I still look at your tumblr. I think I want to tell you something, or ask you something. Why did you tell me you didn’t want a strong force in your life (me as your boyfriend again), but then get with someone else? I know you have a right to do what you want, but that kind of lie really hurts y’know… That’s why I stopped talking to you originally. Now I continue it because I took that as I sign that you’re not gonna come back, and hoped that it would help me move on. I guess the fact that I’m writing all of this shows that I haven’t. I keep thinking that if I find someone else that maybe I’ll be able to get past it finally. But it seems fate is rarely that generous. I guess I’m not where I want to be as a person yet either. One thing that I wondered after seeing something you wrote is why you still seem lonely. It seems like you’re surrounded by friends and family, and have a boyfriend, so what else could you possibly need to not be lonely? I think I’ve wondered about that since we met, though back then I thought is was just because you missed your family. Maybe it’s a bad idea to write all this stuff. I kind of feel better, but at the same time I still feel like in some form I’m talking to you, which may just be extending how long I’ll feel this way. It’s kind of funny how before I met you I thought I was good at controlling my negative emotions, but now I just seem completely helpless. It’s hard to focus on school. I’m starting to feel like my biggest challenge in life is learning how to meet people and socialize rather than school. It’s crazy how badly the heart can want something for so long despite the pain it causes. I know people say to keep yourself busy, but there’s always gonna be times where you’ve got nothing to do, even if it’s just before you fall asleep, and that’s when it’s gonna come back. I don’t know what to do. =/ That one time that I picked up when you thought I wasn’t going to was really nice… too nice. The whole next day I just felt really depressed and didn’t do anything. I knew it couldn’t be like it was before. And as much as I liked seeing your text, “herro, wat chu doin?” later in the week, it really hurt as well since I knew it couldn’t have the same meaning it once did. (phone hasn’t been working since friday.)
…At the end of the day I just hate my life right now. I know I have things to be thankful for but I don’t have something that makes me happy.
You look really, really pretty in your facebook picture.
I saw something that really upset me. I thought I shouldn’t talk to you, so maybe I could get out of this painful cycle that I keep going through. I feel like such a loser for not having a relationship. Sometimes I think about all the reasons why we aren’t together anymore an get all worked up over it, and think “exes are exes for a reason.” But then maybe even the next day I think about it and my head just doesn’t see any of that, and I think “why aren’t we together right now?” Is love that side of the picture where no matter how many bad things someone has done to you, you just don’t see them?
